Her son passed by suicide...and she shares some thoughts.

Spending time with people who don’t get it, and are clearly uncomfortable with your pain is not healthy in the beginning of your grief but becomes unavoidable at some point on our journey. We get to the point where we branch out from our trusted circle and support system, and put ourselves back in situations that are not emotionally driven/charged. We touch bases with people who were not present or barely there in our grief. We also are uncomfortable in a certain sense, because we feel betrayed - disrespected - abandoned by those we thought would be there. We are changed, we view life through a different pair of lenses that only become available to those on a path of hurt and healing.

Relationships change. Mostly without the other person even knowing.

We get fed up quicker. We protect our hearts, we tire of people who cannot understand - who will not understand - and those that will not take the time to try and understand. We rid ourselves of pointless priorities. We change our priorities as people take us out of their priority list. We just change, react a little faster, and all the while keep in the back of our heads "You cannot hurt me - I have endured the ultimate hurt".

And then you have the people in your life that are a constant. They have invested, 100%, and they have been there - are there - and you know they will not leave your side while you try and sort out your life that has fallen apart on the floor in front of you.

I can only speak from my experience in the past few years - family, friends, and other community members. It is overwhelming at first, the attention. It comes at a time when all you want is to be alone and try to understand and realize what is going on. Then the shock subsides and you wish they would all come back, so you could intelligently tell them that yes in fact you would like to talk - or yes you would like some help or go to lunch. I felt this and then beat myself up for about a year. I felt that I was not giving enough support to my girls and I was not working hard enough to be the glue to hold everything together. So I tried to get my head back in and fix everything.

I did not fix anything but I did learn a lot during the year. I got to the point where I no longer needed to be a part of something that made me feel like shit. It was no longer necessary to constantly hear negative and unhealthy crap that made me feel worse about my grief timeline and myself. We cannot make people love us and we definitely cannot make people like us, even a smidge. I went back to what I knew before I lost my son. Try to think about myself and what is good for me first. Not in a snobby sort of way, but in a very healing and peaceful way.

When I let go of what was trying to control me, and what was making my physically ill from stress and disappointment, it all started to work. My grief started to make more sense. My days became happier. My nights were free from anxiety.

It was a milestone on the way. It was darkest before this dawn. It was overwhelming, confusing, and for me - it was the most telling time of my life.

We not only find out about ourselves on this journey but we also learn about other people. Each of us goes through the lesson of priorities and values and a shifting of role and responsibility within the family after a significant loss.

We are so thankful for our family and all the support we receive. The importance of togetherness for our own individual healing is unspoken.

Thank you Sarah Jane Martiny and Tracey Lynn Clay

LB